I was always me

In 2022, when I moved back to Kolkata, West Bengal, after years of living away, a lot of the memories resurfaced, sometimes as triggers or feelings. A trip to the market and the smell of a particular frankincense or tuberose would make me lightheaded. Coming back to not just a place but also to a family that functioned as an ecosystem of trauma rendered me incapable of performing daily chores. Most days, I would spend lying in bed. Part of my body took on this new burning pain I hadn’t witnessed before.

My mind would constantly drift to my childhood when I used to hold my father’s hand and attend weddings, and there would be strings of Rajnigandha (tuberose) hanging everywhere, the place smelling overwhelmingly sweet.

For years, I hadn't known what had happened to me or that there was a web of trauma and mental health issues that ran in my family. My father, who left when I was 6/7 years old, suffered from mental health issues as well. My childhood after that age changed quickly as I came to live with my grandparents and eventually left Bengal. Now, all of a sudden, everything was coming to the surface, things I was never consciously aware of became part of everyday reckonings. The burning on my back and hands continued.

I had also forgotten how to function like I could before. I was known to be a highly ambitious person, but now I had lost about 30% of my vocabulary, could barely cook, or get out of bed.

Slowly, during this time, I started documenting my experience. Over the course of 3 years, I was able to express in photographs what I felt on the inside.

Things feel different now. I am not the same person I used to be, and I don't think I ever will be, living off my survival instincts. I can now manage to get out of bed most days. I decided to name the work as such because I believe underneath all those layers inflicted on us as children, we are inherently born and are the person we were always meant to be. I was always me is a recording of this brief period in my life that didn’t feel brief at all.